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Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
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7:40 pm - Hold me and tell me we'll burn like stars
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| Friday, October 10th, 2008
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6:40 pm - All we need is a drummer for people who just need a beat.
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I miss my drums on the weeks I have Benn. I just want to bury my head in my big 'ol Denon cans, push some loud, balls-out rock through them and let my limbs flail for an hour or so. I love coating my sticks with a healthy sheen of blood and sweat. I hardly ever watched The Osbournes, but I did catch part of one episode to hear Ozzy say, "Anyone that beats the fucking skins for a living has got to be somewhat weird." It's so true. And I'm okay with it. Because I can guarantee you know way more guitar players than you do drummers. Hell, if I didn't suck at playing guitar, I'd qualify as both. I'm working on it.
I really want to buy some hand drums. I think it would be cool as hell to have a drum circle some time, big bonfire, lots of booze, and people dancing around to primal djembe rhythms. I can feel it in my chest just thinking about it. It's the kind of force that has me wanting to make passionate love through the night, sweaty and animalistic--violent and out of control.
I should stop these thoughts now. I miss my lover too much. I can't wait to be by her side again.
current mood:  inneedofmywomanstouch
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2008
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8:50 pm - Here is a little boy being attacked by his cuddly gerbil.
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Sleep deprivation is rocking my socks. I'm all robo-zombie right now and I have so much stuff I should be doing that requires a level of mental focus I'm just not capable of. I nod off at work constantly. Oh well, the weekend's almost here. I have Benn, so I won't get THAT much more sleep, but at least it's something. Plus: Naps!
Speaking of zombies... I spent a good portion of time this morning setting up my Netflix queue to make sure I have a steady dose of horror flicks for the coming weeks (plus some cute Hallowe'en related kids programming for when Benn is here; Scooby Doo, Casper, Grimm Adventures, etc.). I love this time of year. The leaves are turning, the weather is cooler, and everyone gets to be creepy for a while in a socially acceptable form. We decorate our homes with skulls and cobwebs. We dress up in ghoulish costumes. We go to haunted houses and frightening movies that appeal to our basest instincts. I'm reminded of Rob Schrab's (creator of Scud the Disposable Assassin) forward to the jthm director's cut collection:
"There's a little monster inside all of us, a little wolf-faced monkey that needs to be satiated. As people, we mustn't ignore that monster. If we do, we cheat ourselves. We deny an emotion, a feeling... [W]hen a person lies to themselves, there is less chance for spiritual growth. More than likely, their monster will step out of the Dreamworld and into the Realworld. That's how a society gets messy. Lots of neglected, hungry monsters."
This is the time of year I make a conscious effort to let my monster feed. Also, Valentine's day. Or maybe that's just my way of rationalizing drinking alone and laughing at fake blood and dismembered corpses.
One doesn't see the world I've seen without developing a dark side. But let's not kid ourselves. I'm not cool enough to be gothic.
current mood:  heeeylookitme
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| Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
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5:41 pm - Tell him about the Twinkie.
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"For whatever reasons, Ray, call it fate, call it luck, call it karma. I believe everything happens for a reason."
That's how it feels to find your soulmate. Like there's been a reason for life's rollercoaster. I believe we're meant to be together. I can't say for sure that there's any truth to that outside of my own beliefs, but the nice thing is: It doesn't matter. We're together now, and I know we'll always be together. So whatever it is that made our paths cross (perhaps Christine is simply our own accidental Cupid) for the past couple of years and has them running together side by side now until the day they're truly one road in the future, I'm so very grateful. She's a blessing in so many ways. I don't know what I'd do without her. Gods forbid I ever have to find out. She's the only person who I know I want to be with (let alone the only one I could tolerate haha) every single day. You read stories about best friends falling in love and living happily ever after. I'm living my own fairy tale. Love is magical.
<3
current mood: sofuckinginlove
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| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
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9:23 pm - Silence is silver
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If I ever find the time to complete my goal of making a film, some time down the long, winding road of life, I've decided I want to make a silent film. A modern take on a silent film, mind you, but a silent film nonetheless. I think my obsession with dialogue would lend this to be both a significant challenge, but would provide a huge emotional payoff for all involved if it were even remotely good. I can't imagine casting it right now. Even with the talent I know exists in this area, to find people who could create such an impact without speaking... It's certainly not a skill I yet have as an actor.
Maybe while I'm procrastinating on my book I can begin work on that script.
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2008
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10:31 am - T-E-A-M
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I'm so completely torn these days. My time and my loyalty are being divided between two things that are so important to me. Most days it's a literal coin toss to decide where I put my energy. The race is a dead heat and heading for the finish line and only time will tell how it will all play out.
Politics and baseball. What would I do without them?
Those who know me, know that I've always been a political junkie. I was the kid in junior high with "Free Tibet" scrawled across the ass of his jeans in permanent marker. And I actually knew what it meant. So watching this current, historical, vastly important Presidential race unfold over the past couple of years has been very entertaining (and frustrating) for me. I listen to several hours of political, progressive talk radio every day, surf the important progressive news sources online, and try to catch Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow's programs on MSNBC. But now we're suddenly at the tail end of September and my White Sox are barely ahead of the hometown Twins for dominance in the American League Central. I'm living and dying with box scores every night. There have been plenty of evenings that I'd watch the Twins game while I listened to the Sox game online (because it's a rarity for the ChiSox to get televised in my market). It takes a toll on my ability to follow the news--and if I wasn't so diligent, I could totally slip out of the cycle entirely. It reminds me of how many registered voters in this country are truly ignorant of anything other than campaign ads and viral emails. They're the ones who plan to vote for John McSame. They're the ones I'm afraid of.
Vigilance.
current mood:  enthralled
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| Sunday, September 14th, 2008
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3:26 pm - Some need diamonds, some need love
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Why must TVLand always show the same episodes of Sanford and Son? I swear, I've seen "Fred's Extra Job" a dozen times already. It's easily my favorite old television program, yet TVLand always seems to be running Beverly Hillbillies and Andy Griffith--both of which I pretty much can't stand--whenever I happen to have the tv on. So in the rare occasion that I catch it, I sure would appreciate if they'd play something different.
So far it's been a nice, relaxing Sunday. I'm really damn sore from yesterday's workout and waiting for Benn to take a nap so I can get some things done. I'm missing Kate like crazy. Just a couple more weeks before I get to see her again. Not nearly soon enough, but it'll have to do. Some day we won't have this problem. Some day she'll be my wife. XD Sure, it's insane to think like that, and probably even worse to talk like that, but what can I do? She's the love of my life. She's my best friend and the only one I want to spend every day with. Forever. If that's not someone worth marrying, then I should probably just stay single.
Ugh, my folks are home. There goes the peacefulness, and my privacy. One more thing I have to tough out until my life is where I want it to be. But it's all completely worth it. And the finish line is in sight.
current mood: optimistic
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| Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
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8:20 pm - I wish I were special. You're so fucking special.
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Watching PR at the moment--loving this season. This zodiac challenge is fascinating. No more immunity...
I've been working on updating my fall wardrobe--purchased eight sweaters, a handful of button-downs, two blazers, and some new pants. I've filled two trash bags with clothes for Goodwill. If I'm being honest with myself, I could probably fill another one. Still looking for a beige trench and a classic tweed jacket. Might have to wait til next fall, as winter could be here before I find either of them. And you know what winter means--heavier jackets and glorious scarves! I desperately need new shoes. My black box-toe Ragazzis are completely falling apart. If anyone comes across any gorgeous, black, vegan shoes (preferably laceless ankle boots), let me know. I'm evolving my style just a little each day... maybe at some point I'll look like a suitable boyfriend for a fabulous designer ;) And I'm starting to feel better about myself in the process. Which is definitely what I was going for. Baby steps.
I'm feeling super compelled to completely redo my (bed)room right now. It's like I'm moving from the closet outward (does that mean I'm coming out of the closet?) and my environment could be a better fit for my style. It's so cluttered and I'm actually sort of a minimalist. As though I don't have enough projects to keep me going, now I'm coming up with new things to occupy my evenings. I'm so ridiculous. Being busy has not at all helped with the missing her thing. But hey, what can ya do?
My word, how is it Wednesday already?? Long day at work and no class tomorrow. So that sucks. I already can't wait for the weekend. Unfortunately, I don't have a free one until the first weekend in October. The life of being a parent... I'm jealous of anyone who doesn't have to do it on their own.
"I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."
current mood:  determined
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| Sunday, September 7th, 2008
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10:58 am - Hotel soap
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The residual effect of Friday has no more worn off than has last night's alcohol. I want to feel like this forever--it certainly beats the seemingly endless valleys of the past few years. "Don't you walk away, the buildings will fall down. Don't you walk away, the quake will split the ground."
My kitchen has been overrun by fruit flies. Ack. I should pull out the vacuum and deal with that. Then, onto the task of making a scrambled tofu brunch. I'm having a hard time remembering the last time I had an actual meal. With the busy schedule and everything, it's been difficult putting together enough consecutive minutes in the day to cook. Mostly been getting nominal calories from energy bars, fruit, Burger King french fries, and peanut butter sandwiches. I'm suddenly reminded of why I stopped being a vegan the first time around. It's so much easier to get fat when you have access to all manner of quick-serve garbage. Sometimes I long for a stack of greasy double cheeseburgers. I don't know why I always need to put the weight of saving the world on my shoulders. "There goes another rubber tree plant," right? I'm an environmental masochist.
So I've started looking at things as circuits. I mean, everything. Even things that don't have anything remotely to do with electricity. I see loads and conductors and power sources. It actually weirds me out. "Therefore, there are patterns everywhere in nature." Or something. It reminds me of when I was younger and obsessed with Tetris Attacks on SNES. I started seeing the game EVERYWHERE. I'd look at a pattern of bricks on a building and my mind would automatically make the correct moves to clear lines. It's bizarre. My poor, ridiculous brain.
Okay, guess I'm not cooking. Taylor's on his way to pick me up. I don't know what we're doing or where we're going, only that I'm leaving momentarily. I should put clothes on.
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| Saturday, September 6th, 2008
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6:38 pm - It feels like Sunday
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I can't even write about my weekend so far without completely bastardizing the experience. But it was, to say the least, incredible. A definitive time that will truly have no peer. Even if I wanted to write about it, I'd lack the words to do it justice for any outsider's sense of understanding. I have the memories and the photographs--like all the finest moments in life.
And now I'm lounging in my bedroom, watching old musicals (first Funny Face, now Meet Me In St. Louis), drinking coffee and doing a bit of writing. At some point I'll contemplate sleep. I won't actually partake, but I shall indeed contemplate. Clang, clang, went the trolley. I'm not sure how to best describe the noise my heart makes, but it's been making it loud and clear all day.
current mood: loved
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| Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
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2:29 am - Awake
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I've woken up 3 times since going to bed, and this time I wasn't able to fall right back to sleep. I know it's because I didn't really talk to her beforehand...or hardly at all the entire day, really--she's busy establishing her new life at school and I'm proud of her for how quickly she's making new friends. I'm trying to back off my old habit of the constant, random texting. She's got more important things going on to worry that I heard a song that reminded me of her. So I've fallen into the "don't speak unless spoken to" mold. Tonight, that involved not saying good night before I passed out. It was weird to not tell her I loved her before turning in. I don't like it. But at the same time, I don't want to bother her just for the sake of making myself feel better, even with something so little as a text. I can't stand the idea of being a nuisance. Somewhere along the way she did send me a text telling me that she loved me, and hoped I was sleeping well (I saw it the 2nd time I woke up), but it lacked the usual sweetness. Maybe that's just my imagination, or maybe it's because she's sad she didn't hear from me. I don't know. I have too much time to speculate when she's not around to distract me... I already miss her terribly.
current mood:  tired
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| Sunday, August 31st, 2008
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9:15 am - Leaving today
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She's on the road, rolling away from me. It's hard to cope with the departure of my best friend. Sure, we'll still talk--hopefully frequently--but I don't know how long I can go without seeing her beautiful face. It's a painful discovery, to comprehend just how intensely I care about and love her, only to have her drift away. "Everyone I know goes away in the end." But such is life. It can't be helped. I can't wait til she's home again. The selfish side of me hopes she's having just as hard a time leaving me behind.
Still, I'm very excited and happy for her, and I look forward to seeing what comes next in her life. I just hope I'm still involved in it. She knows she has my full love and support. She knows I'm proud of her. And I know she's going to be successful. I can't hold her back to suit my own needs. I want a cigarette, but I threw them away yesterday to prevent myself from having one now. I'll drink orange juice instead.
In the meantime, I'm stockpiling distractions and sweaters for the approaching winter of MY discontent. I imagine I'll get a lot done with my new abundance of free time.
current mood:  depressed
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| Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
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8:52 pm - Everybody's making love, or else expecting rain.
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Found myself listening to Dylan today. I forget how much I love his stuff when I'm in the right mood. Not that I don't always like it, I mean, it's fucking Bob Dylan. The man is brilliant. But when my soul is in just the right place, his words effortlessly drown me in introspection. So I put on Highway 61 Revisited at work and just zoned out for a while. Every song brought me a new understanding of where I am and where I'm going (which is, for the first time in a long time, in the right direction). No more do I feel "like a rolling stone." I think I'm finally ready to be an adult, and not some boy stuck in perpetual transition. Of course, I'm also a dyed-in-the-wool gemini haha, so I might change my mind tomorrow.
School is officially underway--my three courses (13 credits worth of 3 courses) should be genuinely interesting and my basic electricity theory may prove rather challenging, on account of it being a ton of math and physics, neither of which I've studied in 6 years. But I'm committed to nothing shy of straight A's this semester (and hopefully through my entire LSC academic career) so I welcome the work. It'll be a great distraction from everything else.
Speaking of distractions, I'm really excited to get underway with my sewing projects. I almost have my table set up completely, just gotta take my serger in for a thorough cleaning and I should have everything I need. I plan on hounding my favorite seamstress regularly for advice. "If I don't make it, you know my baby will." It'll be delightful to have clothes that fit me properly (damn my tall and slender figure) so I can feel stylish again.
I'm debating growing my hair out again. I came across some photos a couple days ago from when it was long. It's pretty tempting...
current mood:  sleepy
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10:08 am - I'm already sick of humans
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The best part about uniqueness: You can't force it. Either you are, or you aren't and no amount of trying is going to change that. (I speak from experience as one who's tried to be "normal". Epic fail.) Sure, in the broad sense of the word we're all "unique". But Tyler Durden's words ring in my ears--"You are not special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake." That describes a lot of people I know. Think about it. Think about all of the people you would classify as normal. Sure, they might have their little quirks, but then even those little quirks make them even more normal, since all the other normal people have them too. Most of the time those ideosyncracies aren't even real, but rather some sort of subconscious (or conscious) posturing to make them seem more of an individual. "Self-improvement is masturbation", as they say. It's no wonder we have high divorce rates and overwhelming dissatisfaction. We're just sheeple. Rats pushing the corporate sponsored feeding bar for that pellet of self-worth. Birds painting personality plumage with bright brushes and applying feather implants made of this week's "it" trends to attract a single-serving mate. There's no real desire to evolve, to explore, to become. There's a premium on what you have, and not what you know; what you can purchase and not what you can create. These days even the proletarians have become plastic, inside and out. We genuine souls are left to our own devices...and we try so hard not to be cynical.
current mood:  annoyed
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| Sunday, August 24th, 2008
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1:54 pm - Reflections on last Monday
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I spent all night driving, searching for Skyline Parkway. It's that one place where perspective greets you with the first morning rays--the horizon burning away the evening's events and quenching the harbor in fiery reds and yellows, leaving nothing but piles of twilight ash and the old, brick structures that will never fall. The one road where you can see the "big picture". Problem was, I was lost. Sure, I'd been there before. I'd found that refuge and looked down into the depths of the city and known exactly where I stood in the scheme of everything. But that was a long time ago, and navigating from a very different direction altogether. No, I'd never come by it this way. "Horse With No Name" played on the radio.
Rolling along side streets in another part of town, Love sitting quietly in the passenger seat, questioning every path I took. I could see it on Her face, the wavering look in Her eyes. They no longer held that same spark I'd clung to over the past couple of weeks. She wondered if She should really be here, in this meandering car. She wondered if I'd ever find where we were going--if there was any light at the end of this proverbial tunnel. Unfortunately, optimism isn't Her strong suit and She made that apparent with every muffled sigh and distant stare. She hummed along with "Love Will Tear Us Apart", always craving Joy Division in times like these.
Before long, the sound of the blinking turn signal made me crazy. Part of me wanted to give up; to drop Love off at a bus stop and just go home. Another part of me wanted to drive at top speed into oncoming traffic. I rationalized that my current gut-wrenching confusion and uncertainty would last a lot longer than the pain of the crash, and then I'd eventually be released from both. Carrying the weight of your own world on your shoulders can get pretty exhausting. It's no surprise that I'd become emotionally self-destructive. It was only the warmth of the moon holding me together, reminding me that there are bigger things to think about. Glynis Johns' impassioned bitterness plucked at my soul. "Don't you love the farce? My fault, I fear. I thought that you'd want what I want. Sorry, my dear..."
I shrugged off those urges and kept driving. And driving. And driving. I rambled along avenues, eyes constantly looking for a sign of familiarity. It was so dark, I could never tell whether I had actually been there, or if it just resembled a road I'd spent time on. In the end, I went back to the beginning, to a place I knew. Home. Starting from that central locale, I could get anywhere. Years and years of practice, leaving and returning to that place that never changes. It was ingrained in my skin, like so many scars from razor-tongued trials and devastating falls from grace. Meanwhile, Dylan serenaded us with his cynically beautiful poetry. "They're spoonfeeding Casanova, to get him to feel more assured. Then they'll kill him with self-confidence, after poisoning him with words."
Fresh with determination to end this voyage promptly, we continued, Love and I. Her demeanor had shifted towards a slightly positive note, feeding off my vibes and Her own sense of geographical awareness. Yes, we'd been here before. The curves of these roads spoke of the bodies of old lovers--of spines and hips, the soft line of a neck where it reaches the collarbone--, the neighborhood floral beds breathe lingering perfumes long since retired on skin I'd long since shed, un-ripened fruit on trees exposing the sour taste of pain and betrayal inside so many passionate kisses. All that remained of them was this pavement, pot-holed with memories. I was glad no one had yet resurfaced it. There's no charm in glossing over history. "Nice Guys Finish Last" made for a stark summation of the way it had always been, and I tapped my fingers in time on the steering wheel.
That was my final thought as we reached the apex. I pulled onto the overlook and shifted the vehicle into park, paying no mind that my gas tank neared empty. Balancing there, in the crisp morning air, sleep-filled eyes squinting down from the precarious stone ledge, I understood. Emblazoned on everything I saw, as though it were a lens I couldn't remove: The scoreboard to this indefinite game. I had fallen behind a competitor who never even turned up to play. I looked back at Love, still inside, trying to stay warm. I could tell She was getting colder just from looking at me, exposed as I was in the threadbare cloth that remained of my once thick and impenetrable garments. She shrugged, and mouthed something like, "You can't always get what you want." I'll have to settle for what I need.
With that bit of truth in hand, I got in the car, and headed to work. I joined Garcia's recorded emotions in a high-spirited chorus: "I will get by. I will survive."
current mood:  complacent
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1:30 am - I'm going to be in trouble
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| Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
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7:45 pm - Holy shit, I'm back.
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I actually thought I deleted this journal. Apparently not. Joy. ^_^
I haven't posted for 113 weeks. That's obscene. I can't even begin to think of everything that's happened in that time frame. So rather than trying to list them, I'll just leave it to chance that, eventually, all will be revealed (to anyone who will actually start reading this again haha).
It feels good to be back. I'd been blogging to myspace for a while, and then realized how deliriously lame that is, so I've just kinda stopped writing in general. But now I have a laptop (a pretty Macbook that makes me want to cream every time I turn it on) with every intention of getting back to writing more frequently. Let's face it, I've got a lot of things to say.
I'll leave it at that for now--I have company and I think she's none too pleased that I'm ignoring her to sit here and play around on my computer. I keep expecting her to take a nap, as neither of us got much sleep last night. To no avail.
Peace, Love & Unity
current mood: geeky
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| Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
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2:52 pm - Myspace
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Some of you might have noticed I've been, once again, MIA for a while here. This trend will most likely continue. Not that I don't love you all, because I do, but I foolishly got myself addicted to myspace, and that's where my limited internet time is spent these days. I know, I'm such a sheep. I've started just blogging on there for the sake of keeping things in one place, plus I actually know most of my myspace friends in a non-digital sense. Anyway, hope everyone is well, and I might still pop on here occasionally to post new pictures or something, but otherwise you can find me at DJ Beaks' Myspace Page
Blessed be!
current mood: succumbingtodigitalnetworking
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| Monday, May 15th, 2006
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7:11 pm
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Holy shit, has it really been almost two months since I last posted? Unreal. Which also means it's been about two months since I last read any entries. Sorry! For those of you I don't talk to on a regular basis, if I've missed anything important, please let me know. Especially any of you who just graduated. I'm jealous--still have like three years to go, I'm sure.
So anyway, I've been busy doing pretty much nothing lately...just watching a lot of movies. Exciting. Oh, and wrapping up the semester. My final final is tomorrow, and then I can enjoy my summer...when I'm not at work, of course. Blah.
I wish I had something more to write, but really that's the best I've got for now. Love ya'll, I'll try to get on this more regularly.
current mood: studious
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| Monday, March 20th, 2006
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9:47 pm
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mathmagikmanlan's journal